Editor’s Note: Administering a website like this occasionally makes editors privy to some exotic and intriguing correspondence. In light of the particularly dark nature of some letters we have stumbled upon—we can’t reveal exactly how—we thought it our duty to share this series of missives. We appear to be in possession of only one side of the exchange of letters—from a nephew to his uncle. The nephew’s name is Ichabod and his uncle’s name Apollyon, who seems to be in an advisory position of some sort. It’s not our intent to demonize anyone by divulging what we have seen, but we feel we are performing an important service by bringing this devilishly cunning correspondence to light. Here is the fourteenth letter we were given. You can find the others here.
The Most Reprobate Apollyon Pitts
c/o Special Assignments Division
Dear Unscrupulous Uncle,
As always, I welcomed the malevolent advice in your last letter, and I stand in awe of your marvelously perverted experience. I am glad to know that I am receiving such efficient back-up services in regard to the promiscuity of Brother Tristan and his anonymous “fatal attraction.” The fact that this partner was a female was a surprise even to me, since it is generally believed that Brother Tristan has little sexual interest in women. But a quiet exterior often hides a tumult of complexity within. The key objective in this case is to keep the “showcase sinner” isolated from the “ordinary” sinners (who don’t think of themselves as sinners at all).
There was no need for me to prod Sister Snugrug, by the way. I saw her talking animatedly in a corner last Sunday with Brother Lingaflap, and since I caught the words “dangerous,” “irresponsible,” and “disgusting” in regard to what they still quaintly term “social diseases,” I’m sure that neither Brother Tristam’s reputation nor his chances at salvation will be improved by their confab.
I have quite enough other matters to keep me occupied. I have been doing some reading and listening lately on the vague set of ideas which has come to be termed the “New Age” movement. Some of the members at Broad Way are quite taken by it, since it seems in some ways to be benevolent and life-affirming. It often decries materialism in favor of “spiritual” development; it speaks fervently of our need to respect and preserve our environment; it deplores militarism and violence. Indeed, since these are positions that could be dangerous to our cause, it is fortunate that what they implicitly deny in their view of mankind–its sinfulness–outweighs the seemingly humane tenor of their rhetoric. With that denial, of course, necessarily goes the rejection of the Bible as having any special authority, for their concerns fit right in with the rejection of authority and the increasingly inbred conviction of this society that truth is not something by which we are tried, but something that we try to find within ourselves. the “New Age” objective seems to be to unify all mankind under the banner of making the most of its potential, with a blithe ignorance of the flawed quality of the foundation on which they seek to build this benevolent utopian unity. I find much in the church to complement this line of thinking, based on the supposedly enlightened standards of tolerance, privacy, and the warm fuzziness of truth. Consequently, I encourage all comments that question the objectivity of God and His Word; that place all affirmations on an equal footing, subject only to personal feeling and opinion; and that set every person up as his or her own definer of truth. A wonderful concomitant to this “new” doctrine is the careless disregard that most church members have for knowing the Bible. That kind of negligence creates a wonderful vacuum into which the New Age vagaries can be sucked with little if any resistance.
I continue to work on Brother Whitesoul, but it seems that crises and adversity put him more to prayer, and when he stays close under the wings of his Master in that way, I can’t get at him. It’s a good thing for us that most “Christians” don’t really seem to believe in that kind of protection, and that they’re often too proud to acknowledge the destitution of their own resources and thus hold back from relying entirely on the only power that can defeat us. Hurrah for both pride and fuzzy-mindedness! May they never be recognized by humanity for what they are.
I have been promoted where I work, by the way. It seems that my methods are much admired in the business world. A natural next step would seem to be politics. I might note that I have been in my apprenticeship here for over two years. Is there any chance of an infernal promotion in the offing?
Yours in contempt of mankind,
Image: “seal” by J. Henry. CC License.