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Leaked Documents: Ichabod to Apollyon (Letter #30)

Editor’s Note: Administering a website like this occasionally makes editors privy to some exotic and intriguing correspondence. In light of the particularly dark nature of some letters we have stumbled upon—we can’t reveal exactly how—we thought it our duty to share this series of missives. We appear to be in possession of only one side of the exchange of letters—from a nephew to his uncle. The nephew’s name is Ichabod and his uncle’s name Apollyon, who seems to be in an advisory position of some sort. It’s not our intent to demonize anyone by divulging what we have seen, but we feel we are performing an important service by bringing this devilishly cunning correspondence to light. Here is the thirtieth letter we were given. You can find the others here.

Transcript:

 

 

Greetings in the name of the Great Deceiver!

 

I, too, came on a bit of good news (for us) this week.  A perceptive news reporter was observing that all of our good work in “openness” and “tolerance” in the society is now paying off in the decisions of juries to acquit people accused of violent crimes, based on “extenuating circumstances” which turned the attacker into a victim.  The general public (from which juries are taken, of course) have now bought into the “philosophy” of the TV talk shows that nothing is outside the pale of decency and acceptability; one just has to “understand” aberrant behavior, for, after all, everything is a matter of preference in the final analysis.  I like to call this the “Moral Theory of Relativity.”  Acceptance of this doctrine has had just as great an impact in the social realm as did Dr. Einstein’s theory in the scientific realm.  What more could we ask than that wrongdoing always be attributed to circumstances and pressures, not to an individual’s decision for which he or she is to be held responsible.  Why, we of the Nether Regions are so much out of the picture that people don’t even say jokingly any more that “The Devil made me do it!”

 

You’re right; I have neglected the area of sexual temptation lately at Broad Way.  I suppose I have taken it for granted that things have gone so far in the population at large that there’s not much left for me to do.   But in the case of those like Brother Whitesoul, who are among the minority retaining the capacity to blush, I might arrange something potentially compromising.  There is a pretty young woman in the congregation having marital problems, and I know she is emotionally unstable.  Perhaps I could encourage her to go see the minister and pour out her troubles; then I could put Sister Snugrug onto the story and see what develops.  Even better, I might let one of the tender young brothers know that the young woman is in distress and suggest that he comfort her––in private, of course.  However, there have been some disturbing moves among the church leaders lately to encourage same–sex support groups to deal openly and supportively with their sexual temptations, and even to explore more about the spiritual implications of both positive and legitimate sexual expression and the redirection of sexual desires.  If I can just keep alive the trauma–packed ideas that (1)

sexual pleasure is the chief good in life, to which everyone has an absolute right, and (2) the Enemy wants more than anything else to deprive his children of sexual pleasure and fulfillment.  Ah, the neuroses and profligate flings that have been produced from the interplay of these mistaken and complementory assumptions!

 

Well, as our Spanish–speaking agents might say, “Another day, another *dolor.”  Or, to turn one of the Enemy’s sayings to our own use, “Sufficient to the day is the evil thereof.”  I’m going to sit in front of the TV and see what the edgy TV hosts are doing for us these days.  Did they get that sleazy all by themselves, or did we have a special agent working on them?

 

Yours for Lower Standards,

 

 

Ichabod

 

*”Dolor” in Spanish means “pain.”

Image: “Mailboxes” by tanakawho. CC license. 

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